Archive for April 18, 2003

God Hates Beer

April 18, 2003

If it’s possible to have a bad long weekend, then Easter is it.

For some bloody unknown reason, pubs aren’t allowed to open on Good Friday in WA. Not just pubs, mind you, but anywhere that sells alcohol.

Like most Aussies my age, I was brought up in a school system that encouraged religious education. I have a pretty good recollection of the story of Easter, along with the much more entertaining Old Testament stories.

For the life of me though, I can not remember the significance of shutting the pubs.

Would someone kindly explain why you can go to the pub on any given Sunday (the Sabbath), Easter Monday, Christmas Eve, Christmas day, but not Good Friday?

I learned to loathe Easter in my adolescence, where partying was always destroyed by the dreaded running out of beer on Good Friday. On the odd lucky occasion, somebody remembered to stock up, but usually it resulted in an early night.

In retaliation for the religious nutballs who believe they have the right to decide when I get hammered, I’d like to point readers to Positive Atheism. A great list of quotes from Atheists through the ages. Here’s one that is especially applicable today:

The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

— Thomas Jefferson

If you get sick of reading quotes, you can take the Bible quiz. Learn what Jesus was really like! That should keep you busy while waiting for the pub to open.

Appearances Can Deceive

April 18, 2003

Ken Parish notes that Kim Beazley could get back the leadership of the labour party:

Bomber is a genuinely nice bloke, which isn’t a label you’d easily attach to any of Howard, Costello or Crean

Now at the risk of bringing up a Bunyip-style poopy-pants story, a rather eccentric uncle of mine has a favourite story that goes a bit like this….

Way back in the Dreamtime, before the Yobbo clans descended upon the wheatbelt, they had settled pretty comfortably in the Claremont area. A few even had the luck to marry into a bit of money.

My stark raving lunatic of a great aunt was one such lucky lass, who made a home for herself among the elite in Bayview Terrace. As a young boy, my even crazier uncle would frequent the Claremont house for a bit of a lark and the odd cricket game.

One of the kids who’d turn up the regular test matches on Bayview was a ruddy faced porker called Kimberley, who was something of an aspiring batsman. He wasn’t too bad either, by all accounts.

One unfortunate day though, Kim was dismissed in dubious fashion, hitting the ball over a fence that had only recently been reclassified to “Six and Out” designation.

This was the final straw, and a massive tantrum ensued. Finally, Kim (Quite Literally) took his bat and ball, and went home. He never returned to the hallowed turf at Bayview.

Now, Kim really does seem like a nice guy nowadays, and the youthful tantrum is hardly a good indicator of the man today. Nevertheless, my uncle absolutely loves telling this story, and by posting it I stand a good chance of some free beers next time I visit.

Bad News for the Clarks

April 18, 2003

Who is going to pay for their holidays now?

AFTER 12 years of financial independence, the ATSIC board had control of its $1 billion budget stripped away by the Federal Government yesterday.

What Price Freedom?

April 18, 2003

Not very much, Apparently.

THE United States has offered $US200,000 for the capture of Saddam Hussein.

Now maybe it’s just me, but $200,000 doesn’t seem like a hell of a lot to catch a guy with the resources of 25 years worth of oil sales behind him.

It’s not all bad news for young Iraqis thinking about a career in Bounty Hunting though:

US forces are also offering food, basic necessities and other incentives to encourage Iraqi citizens to provide “information and other assistance … including the delivery of dangerous personnel and weapons.”

Officers in the field may authorise rewards of up to $2500 and the war commander, General Tommy Franks can authorise up to $50,000.

Enterprising human shields who are still in Iraq may be able to make a bit of extra cash as well. After all, Dad’s chequebook is probably pretty bare by now.