Bring on the Candidates

In the spirit of debate, and a warning to Australians of why I should never be appointed Prime Minister, I would like to introduce the candidates for Governor General. At least, the ones I would consider if I was PM.

Not actually having any experience in appointing a head of state undemocratically, I had to do a bit of research to find out what the Governor General actually does, and what qualities he/she should possess.

Google found this for me, a quick rundown of the GG’s duties. Seems it’s not a particularly difficult job. All you do is rubber stamp things, participate in the odd ceremony, get paid a shitload of money and generally bludge. It’s a lot like many public service positions.

Basically the duties are to represent Australia, but not necessarily make any decisions. This leaves the field wide open, since laziness or stupidity are not automatic disqualifications. All you really need is for the PM to like you a fair bit.

As I am assuming that I am the PM here, the only real qualifications you need are to be an Australian, and for me to think you are grouse. I have drawn the candidates from the worlds of Politics, Sport and wherever else I bloody well please:

Steve Waugh

Steve Waugh epitomises the Aussie battler better than any constitutional preamble ever could. He’s snarky and mean, but has a pure heart.

As Governor General, he would be the leader of our armed forces, and we would never lose a war, ever. Messages to other countries would also contain significantly more punch with Waugh as the GG.

Wilson Tuckey

Wilson Tuckey is a lot like the crazy old uncle that every family has. A lot of what he says makes sense, until he’s had his 10th beer and starts raving about the time he nearly chopped his tallywhacker off with the meat saw.

He doesn’t take any shit from anyone, and I don’t see why that would change if he was the GG. As GG, Wilson would ensure that Australia commands respect from nations that currently treat us like a country of insignificant rednecks. Piss Wilson off, and you’ll be lucky to escape with just a black eye. A nice side benefit is that pissweak organisations like Greenpeace and the Equal Opportunity Tribunal would be banned forever from Australia.

Aaron Sandilands

At 211cm, Aaron Sandilands is the tallest player ever to play in the AFL. I’m not certain, but this probably means he will also be the tallest ever head of state of any country ever in history, with the possible exception of Goliath of the Philistines, who was slain by King David in the opening credits of the Bible. I say “possible” because I’m not sure that Goliath was actually the head of state, and arguments still rages over whether the Philistines were an actual nation or a rag-tag band of robbers marauding the lands of ancient Israel. In any case, Australia’s defence force is way too high tech nowadays to let our future giant head of state be taken down by a simple slingshot.

Dr. Cindy Pan

In the interests of political correctness I have to include at least one woman, so I thought I may as well go all the way and include a minority at the same time. Dr Cindy Pan gets the nod over various other disadvantaged people because she is somewhat cute, and talks about sex seemingly non-stop, thereby undoing years of effort by the Asian community to dismantle negative stereotypes of Asian women.

She is also a doctor, which makes her eminently more qualified than any of the other candidates, because lots of Governor Generals have been doctors of some sort. Presumably, one of the less publicised duties of the GG is to perform emergency CPR on visiting dignitaries who have heart attacks upon hearing about just how much the GG gets paid for doing fuck all. Being a doctor is a distinct advantage in the execution of this important duty.

So there you have the Yobbo’s candidates for the soon-to-be vacant position of Governor General of Australia. I am yet to receive any official correspondence from Prime Minister Howard on the matter, but this is understandable, since he is forced to waste time talking to fuckwits like Ray Martin in the outdated television media.

The decision should be made within a few weeks, but don’t be afraid to get in on the action early by placing your bets in the comments box below.

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