Ban Soccer!

Stew Kelly whinges about smokers:

Smokings been in the news a lot in the last couple of weeks. A new report on passive smoking being pretty much harmless. New Yorks new anti-smoking laws.

And of course it’s a fairly polarising issue as a lot of people smoke and feel like the worlds out to get them, and a lot of people don’t smoke and are tired of having their clothes, hair and general environment made to smell freakin’ awful by a bunch of inconsiderate, foul-breathed neanderthals who likely lacked any ability to resist peer pressure of any form when in high school.

Anyway, were do I stand on the issue of banning smoking in public places? Take a friggin’ guess 🙂

It leaves me though in something of a quandary. I really, truly don’t like laws like anti-smoking laws. Usually.

Stew goes on to say that he doesn’t really dislike anti-smoking laws at all. What he really dislikes are smokers. Anti-smoking laws are fine, because smokers are all arseholes.

You know what I hate? Soccer. You see, I grew up playing Australian Rules Football. Aussie Rules is the only code of football that should be allowed in Australia, in my opinion. It’s simply not good enough that stadium owners and sporting organisations are allowed to choose what sports they support in their clubs. Everyone should be forced to play Aussie Rules, or not play at all.

Soccer players are, without exception, little girly boys. Aussie rules players are not only masculine and tough, without being overly so, but also educated enough to carry on an intelligent conversation without ever reaching the point of pretension.

In other words, I’m right and everybody else is wrong. And because I’m right, everyone should work as a team and do it my way.

If you had your own oval, and you knew 22 guys who wanted to play soccer, and 5 of their girlfriends partners who liked to watch soccer and serve the oranges at half time, how is it hurting anyone to let them play soccer on my oval? I don’t care, because Soccer Sucks! What if I was walking past and saw some tool with his shirt over his head celebrating a goal? I would be extremely distressed!

Sounds absurd I know, but this is no different in principle to proposed anti-smoking laws in Australia. It’s no different in principle than the laws already in place in Los Angeles and (soon) New York.

As far as present legislation goes, there is nothing at all wrong with owning a non-smoking bar. Nothing at all. You can impose whatever restrictions you like on whoever comes into your pub. You don’t even need a reason.

Too many blokes in the pub already? Girls only please.

Too ugly? Can’t come in.

No Smokers? That’s fine.

Do you just feel like making people line up to make your pub seem more popular? Well, there’s no law against being stupid.

Of course, you’ll go broke, but that’s your decision. It’s your property and you can make whatever rules you like.

Unless people like Stew get their way.

In Stewart Kelly’s perfect world, even if you owned your own pub, and you had 100 mates who were all smokers, and they promised to bring all their smoker mates, and all your barmaids loved to smoke on the job…even if there wasn’t a single non-smoker in the entire pub, you shouldn’t be able to smoke.

Because smokers are arseholes.

Update: And a very sheepish hello to all my new readers from UK libertarian blog Samizdata! I didn’t mean that bit about soccer. Serious.

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One Comment on “Ban Soccer!”

  1. the reverse Says:

    Ban soccer…..

    Not if the only alternative is gayfl.


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