Message From Ron

While I’m not a religious man, I nevertheless am one of the few people who actually enjoy getting paid visits from various religious nutballs on weekend mornings. There’s no better way to pass the time than debating a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons on the benefits of alcohol, gambling and pre-marital sex.

Without exception, they are very friendly people. On an earlier trip to Sydney I found myself lost in some part of the suburbs that can only be described as “Koreatown”. Upon alighting from the train, I was politely accosted by one of the aforementioned Mormons, intent on preaching the word of god to me.

Now Mormons are especially interesting, as their religion involves a form of compulsive backpacking. From what I could wrangle from this particular missionary, all Mormon kiddies are required to travel the world for at least 1 year after high school/college, to preach the word to the unbelievers.

After their mission is complete, they are allowed to return home and get married. This is why you don’t see any wrinkly old Mormon preachers – only the fresh faced young ones.

This particular young bloke told me that he expressly learned Korean at school for the purposes of saving Korean souls. I’m not sure why Koreans especially are being targetted, but anything that gives Aussie kids an advantage in the Quake III tournament scene is to be applauded.

The reason for this ramble is that, rather than being visited by any Mormon’s or Jehovah’s Witnesses today, I instead received my monthly mailing of “Awareness” magazine. For those not in the know, the monthly communication from our friends in the Scientology movement. It seems as though a previous resident of this abode was a fully paid up scientologist, and has never bothered to change her details.

This month’s issue is all about drugs and how Ron formulated a way to save the world from their evil influence. Unfortunately, the secret formula is not contained within – I assume I’ll have to send them a check for $500 to find out how to ditch the winnie blues and instant coffee which are contaminating my soul.

What we do get though, is a number of testimonials from previously saved souls, including Hillary Millard, 22, a Dancer:

“I was a troubled woman because of all the drugs and toxins built up in my system. Since the Purification, I have much more control of my life. I’m much happier.”

The “purification rundown” is the service being hawked in the brochure. It seems to be some kind of holistic cleansing meditation bizzo that will ensure that your body is free from the vice of all drugs. Sounds like something that could be marketed fairly effectively by “The Body Shop” or similar snake-oil merchants.

I’m not altogether thrilled with continuing to receive this rubbish, but I dare not write and ask to have our address removed from the list. That’s likely to be as about as effective as replying to spam. I’ll let you know if I receive any further useful scientological advice as I receive it.

I can’t help but feel that this whole scientology business would be a lot more fun if they occasionally sent around cute 20-something girls to tell me about it. Mormons have this processed perfected.

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