Archive for September 2003

Kiwi Fairstar Returns

September 30, 2003

They’ve been at sea for 8 weeks, and are finally on their way home. It’s only fair that the Ovine Fairstar gets to stop in Auckland on the way for a sailor’s welcome.

Elite Wanker Of The Day

September 30, 2003

As I said to Billy Bragg in my recent brush with fame, it’s time to elect a new bloody public. I’ve had it with this lot. Wouldn’t know a terrible government if they fell over it.

In his gentle way, Billy reminded me that they tried that in the Soviet Union.

Christopher Sheil, poster child for the wanker lefty elite.

Two for one here folks! Name dropping AND the old chestnut of left-wing elites despairing at the morons who voted for Howard.

Am I the only one who’s troubled that Mr Sheils has to be reminded that he’s a little too militant even for a man who’s Waiting For The Great Leap Forward?

US Foreign Policy 101

September 30, 2003

Today’s lesson comes from an article in Green Left Weekly, reprinted from the American Socialist Worker, advancing the absurd argument that both the US and UN should immediately withdraw from Iraq and hope the place doesn’t collapse. Why? Well, you know. Imperialism and shit.

That’s all pretty standard stuff, but this little gem caught my eye. Anti-Americans have had a hard time explaining US actions in the Balkans, which successfully ended the civil strife there and deposed Slobodan Milosevic, apparently without delivering even a single barrel of oil to the US. “What’s up with that?” you might be wondering.

Well, wonder no longer. Socialist Worker has solved this conundrum:

The experience of the Vietnam War taught antiwar activists to be ?knee-jerk? anti-imperialists, opposed to Uncle Sam sending troops anywhere. The US then launched, under the guise of ?humanitarian intervention?, a series of interventions designed precisely to erase the ?Vietnam Syndrome? ? from Somalia to Kosova. A whole section of the left bought into the reasoning that the US is capable of benign intervention in certain instances.

Ah, thankyou, yes, everything has become clear. Those cunning bastards! They planned it all from the beginning. If it wasn’t for brave souls like this standing up speaking the truth, none of us would have ever known the full horror of this conspiracy.

Free Willy

September 30, 2003

Nobody will miss Richard Alston, least of all Tex, but this little black duck will certainly shed a tear for Australia’s greatest ever politician, the much loved Wilson Tuckey.

So long to the once Minister for Forestry. Perhaps he can do some moonlighting as a personal bodyguard for Bjorn Lomborg on his Australian Tour. He’ll provide his own baton.

It’s a travesty of justice that he isn’t Australia’s Governor General. Or a Knight of the British Empire. No matter what happens for the remainder of his career, Wilson will live on as the Patron Saint of Yobbos all around Australia.

Grave Turning Update

September 29, 2003

Darwin is doing a good job of mocking its namesake by letting people breed despite their obvious genetic defects:

A five-year-old Territory girl shocked teachers when she showed her class how to make a bong out of a Coke bottle during a “show and tell” session.

The incident took place at a primary school in Darwin’s northern suburbs.

Beats Milhouse’s horsey I guess.

PETA Your Way To Bankruptcy

September 29, 2003

A fool and his money are soon parted:

When bridal shop owner Nancy Owen found ants in her store, she had two choices: relocate the critters or relocate her shop. Extermination was not an option.

That’s because the landlord of the Austin shopping center where her store was located is a supporter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The landlord imposed strict rules on tenants requiring that no meat or animal product be sold in their stores, and that no animals ? including ants ? be harmed.

“If you don’t have to cause animals to suffer ? even the animals we don’t understand so well like ants or mice or chickens ? why not choose to be kind rather than to be cruel?? asked PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich.

But the shoe shop has to keep leather laces hidden behind the counter, the liquor store can?t sell beef jerky and all of this adds up to what some call militant behavior by the landlord. Owen decided she’d rather spend $10,000 in moving expenses to relocate rather than abide by those rules.

You gotta give it to PETA, at least they are consistent. They don’t just stick up for the cute, fluffy animals. Even ants are sacred.

Consistently retarded, too.

Sharia Indonesia

September 29, 2003

Indonesia is planning to update its legal code with some long-needed sharia:

Cohabitation, oral sex and homosexual sex will soon become crimes in Indonesia if the justice ministry has its way, a ministry spokesman said.

He said in addition to Dutch colonial law, the proposed amended criminal code will also adopt Islamic law, international conventions and tribal laws. The draft, which is still being debated, proposes that a couple found guilty of cohabitation be punished to up to two years in jail. A man who impregnates a woman but refuses to marry her could spend a maximum five years in prison.

Sodomy and oral sex would be punishable by between three to 12 years in jail and homosexual sex would be liable to punishment of between one and seven years.

Not to be outdone by the insane Muftis, the local nutjob pagans want to make sure that nobody gets up to any hi-jinks:

A “witch doctor” or his client found guilty of using black magic to hurt other people could spend up to five years in jail. Supangat said ministry experts are still debating ways to obtain evidence of such acts.

I hear the bouyancy test works well.

Indonesia is the world’s most populous Muslim country but Islam is not the state religion and the country in general practises a tolerant version of the faith.

Not any more. Praise be to Allah.

Limited Offer

September 28, 2003

Scarborough Cricket Club artist Duncan Charteris has released his 2003 Grand Final commemorative painting. Get in fast:

“There’s only one thing better than watching Collingwood lose a Grand Final and that’s watching them lose three Grand Finals in a row. Now the image has been captured forever in these beautifully framed paintings.

There are 100 of these available each signed by Coach Mick Malthouse, Midfielder Paul “Cry Baby” Licuria and Captain Nathan Buckley.

Ring now on 1800 LOS ERS, at $5.00 they will sell eventually.

Please have Credit Card details ready.

For Collingwood supporters have your Social Security Number ready and we will deduct it straight from your dole. Please note for all Collingwood supporters this can’t be delivered to your prison cell.

Don’t delay.

CALM Cops

September 28, 2003

Bremer Bay, a small fishing town not far from old WA whaling capital Albany, is a place where I’ve spent a fair bit of time as a kid. It’s fairly small, and has very few permanent residents. Many farmers have holiday shacks there and go for a week or so after harvest.

Of the few permanent residents that do live there, a couple of them are true old sea-dog types. Some of the weatherboard and asbestos homes have been there since the early 60s, and are decorated with some huge whalebones. One house in particular has what looks like a flipper from a very large whale strapped to a tree in the backyard. It’s a fair sight.

According to CALM, all these people are criminals who should be trialled for cruelty to animals.

CALM is presently preparing a case against some Bremer Bay locals who took a chainsaw to a dead sperm whale that was beached at Bremer recently.

The Department of Conservation and Land Management confirmed it would prepare a case against the group who allegedly mutilated one of the whales.

Mr Collins said it was an offence under the Wildlife Protection Act to dismember or attack a protected species, regardless of whether it was dead.

Fucking idiots. The whale was dead already. The carcass is going to sit and rot at Doubtful Island for months, because there’s no road big enough to get a tractor there to cart it away.

What is so wrong about cutting up a dead animal that is otherwise going to sit there and rot?

Nothing, obviously. As long as you are a scientist or a representative of the all-knowing, paternalistic government.

Albany’s WA Museum curator Valerie Milne said scientists would take DNA from the dead creatures over the next day.

They would be measured, their stomach contents examined and some of their blubber taken for further examination.

“There can be some good that comes out of this,” she said.

It’s ok for CALM to cut up dead whales, but if the plebs do it, they can expect the full force of the law to come down on them.

The environmentalist religion has succeeded in elevating whales to the same status as humans.

What animal will be next? How long will it be until it’s illegal to catch fish except under a government licence? Oh, it already is.

How long until you need a licence to cull Ants? Not long, I suspect.

WA Young Entrepreneurs

September 28, 2003

Boarding school sure seems a lot more fun nowadays. I don’t remember videotaping any lesbian orgies or taking porn snaps when I was at school…

THREE 13-year-old girls from the most expensive private school in WA have been caught trying to sell a homemade pornographic video.

The scandal involves students at Presbyterian Ladies’ College and Hale School.

Both schools have been forced into damage control after the explicit video, featuring three PLC students, was found.

The video, believed to have been taped at a party a fortnight ago, shows three Year 8 PLC boarding school students performing an explicit sexual act.

No boys were in the video but a separate photo shows one of the girls engaging in an explicit act with a Hale School student.

The photo may have been taken at the same party.

The West Australian understands that about a week after the private party, the girls involved edited the video and tried to sell it to a group of Hale School boys for $90. It is understood that the boys did not pay the money but watched the video.

The three girls get an A- for business studies. Producing the lesbian kiddie porn was a very creative idea, but they seem to have been beaten in negotiation by the boys from Hale, who bargained them down from $90 to $0. A+ for the Hale boys.