Archive for April 2004

Thought For Today

April 30, 2004

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

– P.J. O’Rourke

Men Commandments

April 30, 2004

Coming soon in large marble tablet form to a pub near you: The Men Commandments. Here are a few teasers:

4.) If you’ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

14.) Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCK OFF!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.

And an extra special one for a certain West Coast player:

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

Kill Phil

April 29, 2004

Volume 2 will premiere this Saturday at Subiaco Oval.

killv1-thumb.jpg  killv2-thumb.jpg

That’s Phil Read vs Dale Kickett in volume 1, and Phil Matera vs Roger Hayden in Volume 2. You can buy the T-shirts at Dockerland.

Update: The Japanese characters on the Volume 2 T-shirt apparently translate to “small female dog”. Tee Hee.

Admin Note

April 29, 2004

Lest my mum sue me for libel, let me point out in advance that the post below is the triumphant return of increasingly right-leaning leftie ChrisV. Hi, Chris! Yer mum’s in the Greens lol!

Pls Bring Children To Spatter With Blood

April 29, 2004

My mother is a member of the Australian Greens (I know, I know) and is also hopelessly computer illiterate (who would have suspected those things went together?). The result of this is that I have my email address on the Greens mailing list, providing me with an endless stream of entertaining lefty wank. For example:

Tandanya and the Greens (S.A.) invite you
to a very special education, reconciliation and action event
on Wednesday, May 5th from 5.30pm to 7.30pm
at Tandanya Indigenous Cultural Centre, 253 Grenfell Street, Adelaide

BLACKFELLA – WHITEFELLA TALKING…is a gathering to encourage the horizontal exchange of information and ideas between black and white fellas. If you’ve ever yourself agonised over, and wanted to know more about the burning issues most concerning representatives of Adelaide and South Australia’s First Nation People, to listen, question, discuss, share stories and swap ideas, then come along.

If it’s all the same to you guys, I think I’d rather chew all my fingers off. And what the hell is “horizontal exchange of information”? Is that some kind of euphemism for sex?

Anyway, this is the email that prompted this post. It’s from NOWAR-SA but is being passed along by the Greens mailing list.

Please come to the steps of Parliament House, Adelaide at 4:30pm Friday 23rd April

THE APPALLING SITUATION IN FALLUJAH THAT HAS BEEN BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE INVASION OF IRAQ must be brought to the notice of the people of South Australia

We want people to wear clothing that looks as though it is blood splattered. Wear white T-shirts and put anything red on them. We are going to have a “DIE-IN” on the steps. We will ask you to lie down there. If you think it is OK, please ask your children to come to represent the many children who have been murdered in Fallujah this past week.

A “DIE-IN”. The peace movement has come a long way since the days of John Lennon. I can see the conversations now:

Mummy, why are we putting red paint on my shirt?
Well dear, we’re going to a DIE-IN, and I’m covering you with fake blood so we can pretend you’re dead, to represent all the boys and girls just like you who have died horribly in Iraq in the last week!

All the way nice.

You WILL Be A Role Model

April 29, 2004

You have no idea how much it pisses me off over the efforts of professional sporting organisations to ensure that every single person associated with their sport is a “role model”.

In the Bulldogs NRL Case:

There won’t be a decision for two weeks but it is understood six players will be fined for participating in consensual sex with a woman on the Wednesday night before the alleged misbehaviour, which occurred the following Sunday morning.

I’d be interested to know exactly which sex acts are considered ok by the NRL. Is a threesome ok if your wife is keen?

What about anal sex? Do homos bring the game into disrepute?

If your girlfriend likes it rough should you check with the league before tying her up or slapping her arse?

These sort of things need to be spelled out in advance if players are to behave like proper role models.

In the 80’s, when I was in primary school, Imran Khan was renowned for his efforts as a shagger. Doug Walters and David Boon drunk their way into superstardom. Everyone loved them. Today, they’d be reviled. Today’s ACB would suspend Boon for the crime of demonstrating that he’s a normal Australian bloke.

Did a generation of cricket fans grow up to become promiscuous boozehounds? Perhaps it’s Imran and Boonie who are to blame for Shane Warne. Then again, Glenn McGrath and Warnie are the same age. McGrath’s commitment to his family is widely celebrated.

Not everyone has the same idea on what constitutes a role model. Remember The Pantsman? Thousands of young Australians looked up to him, even if they secretly suspected a lot of his stories were bullshit. Some people would argue that makes him a role model.

We respect sportsmen for what they do on the ground. What they do off the ground is their own business.

If you are upset by the fact that some sportspeople are committing adultery, engaging in group sex, or drinking more than the recommend daily dose of alcohol, by all means feel free to move a country where people share your concerns. Like Indonesia or Saudi Arabia.

Australia is a free fucking country.

Oh, and if your kids grow up to be dickheads, it’s probably your fault, not Wayne Carey’s.

Buyer’s Remorse

April 29, 2004

The girls can’t get their story straight, probably because they’re making most of it up, except for the part where one of them got fucked by a whole bunch of rugby players:

What is known and agreed is this: on the night of Wednesday February 18, four days before any complaints were raised, a handful of Bulldogs players indulged in group sex with the woman at the centre of the allegations.

On Saturday February 21, with the players freed from club obligations after a trial match had been played and won, that same woman would meet up with Bulldogs at the local Plantation Hotel.

Apparently this girl was quite happy in her role as the fuck-toy of a bunch of semi-celebrities? So, why change her mind and allege rape?

And players – when they finally expanded on “scant” statements – told police that the woman tried to enter the room of two players shortly before 8am, but they turned her away with a training session about to start.

Despite being acquitted, the Bulldogs are still facing fines of up to $500,000 for “bringing the game into disrepute”.

In reality, the only thing that has been brought into disrepute here is the media that is so willing to convict sportsmen of any accusation levelled against them – and a legal system that permits rape allegations to be bandied about as sour grapes…. with no recourse for the accused, and no punishment for trivial accusations.

Impotent Bone Pointed

April 28, 2004

Shock revelations today, via

Glen Jakovich Is A Fuckwit

April 28, 2004

One of the truisms of football is that Glen Jakovich is not only one of the most overrated players ever to pull on the boots, but also a gigantic crybaby. How he managed to get his contract extended for season 2004 is a mystery to just about everyone, but he’s making the most of his fame while it last, because this time next year his car accessory ads will be his sole source of income.

New Flag For Iraq

April 28, 2004

And here it is.