Media Watch

The Herald Sun today offers news of a stunning discovery:

ONE of Crown’s Casino’s biggest gamblers says he has developed a casino-beating blackjack system.

Ron Parsons – a member of the Melbourne casino’s Mahogany Room and rated among Crown’s top 200 punters…

Whatever the hell that means. They make it sound like he’s one of the 200 best, but I assume it just means he throws massive amounts of money across the table….

…is the mastermind of a tell-all website launched this week.

CasinoBusters.com teaches a mathematical betting formula it says gamblers of all levels can use to beat the house almost every time… The system does not include card counting – banned at all casinos.

Sounds great! How do I learn more about this amazing new system?

Gamblers will pay about $300 to download betting systems, including detailed video footage and oral explanations.

There’s a surprise. The media should really be held to account for rubbish like this. This is nothing but advertising in the guise of a news story. At least when it’s a miracle new cellulite cure the media can claim it’s possibly true. Systems to beat house games are impossible now and they’ll be impossible 100 years from now. There is no debate and no room for improvement.

I wonder how much the Herald Sun’s kickback was, and whether it was the whole paper, or just that one journalist.

As for the guys under fire from this awesome new casino-busting system:

Crown spokesman Gary O’Neill said the casino was unconcerned.

I bet.

SMH Pundit Retarded: Report

This just in: The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy^TM has apparently taken over the US Media:

There are many ways of making a political point and when traditional means fail there are other ways of getting through.

Look at what’s happening in the US, where the press is notoriously unenthusiastic about left-wing dissent. My own email always contains a good number of correspondents from the US who complain that pro-abortion or anti-war articles in this paper would not see the light of day in the mainstream press there.

Thank goodness then, for the brave underground publishers. Risking their lives to get the truth out there, like these struggling freedom fighters:

The resulting row has made headlines round the world, thrown Disney on the defensive and given Moore yet another cause connected to a traditional American issue – free speech. The New York Times accused Disney of craven censorship and awarded it “the gold medal for cowardice”.

Presumably their offices will be carpet bombed tomorrow by the Bush Junta. Should make for some good viewing.

Medhurst: 9.1

Congrats!

Ozblogger Ken Parish’s daughter, Rebecca, was the winner in the Miss Phillipines Australia NT 2004 beauty contest. That’s the good news.

The bad news?

1. She’s only 15
2. Her old man’s a lawyer.

Life is so unfair.

Dear God

The second sign of the Apocalypse is upon us:

CANNES, France – American filmmaker Michael Moore?s “Fahrenheit 9/11,” a scathing indictment of White House actions after the Sept. 11 attacks, won the top prize Saturday at the Cannes Film Festival.

“Fahrenheit 9/11” was the first documentary to win Cannes? prestigious Palme d?Or since Jacques Cousteau?s “The Silent World” in 1956.

Even though Moore is a dickhead, I found Bowling For Columbine and sections of The Awful Truth entertaining and amusing (the “Sodomobile” episode springs to mind). Fahrenheit 9/11 I imagine will be more of the same – but none of Moore’s work is by any stretch of the imagination great art.

The fucking Palme d’Or?!? I mean, I’m used the the Academy whoring Oscars out, but I was naive enough to think that critics at the world’s most prestigious film festival might actually hand out prizes based on artistic merit. The whole thing is so tacky. As the article says, with masterful understatement:

Some critics speculated that if ?Fahrenheit 9/11? won the top prize, it would be more for the film?s politics than its cinematic value.

In awards ceremonies coming to your TV screen soon: Black Eyed Peas’ Where Is The Love sweeps the Grammies, and a giant poster of Mao on a wall in China wins the Archibald Prize.

Medhurst

Medhurst.

Modern Racism

Hey, lefties! Sick to death of paranoid right-wingers droning on and on about “political correctness”? You’ll hate this then!

A MIGRANT from the Middle East who failed his test to become a taxi driver three times has complained of discrimination.

The man claims the pass mark is set too high.

He has unsuccessfully sat the test three times since November 2000.

The first time he failed all categories: English communication, map reading, maths and abstract reasoning.

But Equal Opportunity Commissioner Yvonne Henderson believes the man is a victim of discrimination and has referred the matter for a hearing at the Equal Opportunity Tribunal.

Apparently, the possibility that the man is too stupid to drive a taxi never entered anyone’s mind. 80% of Perth taxi drivers are from non-english speaking backgrounds. Perhaps those guys took the special, non-racist test?

If you can’t speak english or read maps, then perhaps you should seek work in an area of employment that doesn’t require a lot of map-reading and face-to-face contact with english-speaking people?

Just a thought.

And this Yvonne Henderson? She should be sacked for what is a ridiculously obvious case of wasting taxpayers’ time and money to advance a political agenda. What a disgraceful, shameless whore.

Even better, close down the whole commission. It’s obviously a waste of space.

Repent

I don’t have my bible handy, but I think I remember this being one of the signs of the apocalypse:

Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff’s first hip-hop album.

The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles and are said to have struck up a close friendship.

Hasselhoff has had some success as a singer, releasing seven albums. He’s also said to be very popular in Germany.

Ice-T, who was one of the first real hip-hop stars in the late 1980s, said: “The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him.”

The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-old for Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.

Ice-T added: “He’s gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff – I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour.”

This’ll be right up there with William Shatner’s spoken word albums.

Let’s Stretch Again

Pop Culture tragics Caz from The Spin Starts Here and Adam “Supermercado” wax nostalgic on the most enduring icon of the late 20th century – Goatse Man:

Adam: The goatse man is like the Nick Berg of internet porn.

Caz: I love the goatse man. He?s a legend.

Adam: I want an entire documentary about him. When was the picture taken, where is he now etc. It’s got money written all over it

Caz: Yeah. Who is he? Why did he do it? Does he do it often? How did he manage to enlarge his ring like that? Did it hurt? (The answer to that, I’m tipping, is “yes”).

Insert warning here.

Man Boobs

And you thought Alexandra Kerry looked bad in that dress?