Archive for June 2004

I’m Lovin’ It

June 30, 2004

Pete Kerr on fast food advertising:

I had a dream, that one day my nieces and nephews would sit down to watch Videos Hits and see 50 Cent rapping about being a pimp, and his mates banging on about how real men carry guns, sell drugs and keep women in sexual slavery, without them seeing any harmful KFC commercials.

Word.

FISH MURDER RATE UP

June 30, 2004

Animals more important than humans? Well, the endangered ones certainly are, according to fanatical conservationists:

An Australian diver who says he speared a grey nurse shark in self-defence faces charges for killing an endangered species.

“It was either the shark or me,” the unidentified man told the Daily Telegraph.

A New South Wales state fisheries officer found the spear fisherman on a beach north of Sydney with a dead 10kg grey nurse shark on June 9.

Now this guy’s “self defence” story doesn’t really add up. First of all, 10kg is a pretty damn small shark, especially for a grey nurse which have quite wide bodies. They grow well into the hundreds of kilograms.

Secondly, killing the shark in self-defence doesn’t really explain why you’d want to drag it up the beach on the end of your spear, unless you really, really wanted to make sure it was dead.

Let’s get serious, though. You don’t need to plead “self defence” when accused of killing a shark. It’s a fucking fish, people! And, self defence or not, I can quite easily believe that the guy killed it because he thought it was going to eat him.

After all, the “harmless”* Grey Nurse doesn’t look particularly harmless while in the water. Look:

sandtiger10c.jpg

When looking at something like that, my reaction would be to spear first and ask questions later. Dunno about you, but I shit myself if I see a stingray or even a squid while snorkelling, let alone an actual shark with actual teeth. Fuck that for a joke.

* Describing a carnivorous shark that grows to over 3 metres long with long, pointy teeth as “harmless” is completely ridiculous. I’d like to see a greenie put their hand in the fucker’s mouth. The guys who feed the grey nurse sharks at the WA Aquarium at Hillarys wear mail gloves when feeding them, and those ones are tame. Harmless my arse.

Metmucil Me

June 30, 2004

Imre Salusinszky tries the all-McDonalds diet, and surprisingly doesn’t die:

Six years ago, with the help of GutBusters, I reduced my weight from 98kg to 80kg. I’ve always wanted to lose the extra two kilos to make it a round 20, but never imagined it would be Ronald McDonald who would get me over the line.

In addition, he attempts to one-up Morgan Spurlock’s projectile vomiting in Super-Size Me by talking incessantly about poop:

My firm regular stools were simply a bonus.

Don’t encourage Emma Tom, please.

Fat People Shit Me

June 29, 2004

A lot of kids in Australia are fat:

It is estimated that approximately one in five Australian children aged between 5 and 18 years old are overweight or obese. This is double the prevalence estimated in 1986.

Fortunately, there is already a cure for obesity: Eat less and exercise more. It’s guaranteed to work. Despite already having a free, readily available cure, the government is prepared to spend $100 million of taxpayer’s money to tackle this “disease”:

The Federal Government is set to pump more than $100 million into battling the bulge among Australian children with a free national after-school sport and exercise program and grants to tidy up tuckshop menus.

In Tasmania today, Prime Minister John Howard will announce the rest of the Government’s plan to fight childhood obesity.

Mr Howard is expected to pledge more than $100 million for the scheme, with a focus on groups already running approved afternoon programs on weekdays.

On the other hand, Asthma affects between 10-20% of Australian children. There is no cure, it is not preventable, and is potentially fatal. However, like many previously mysterious diseases, modern science has a very real chance of defeating asthma, just as it defeated Polio, Smallpox and many other diseases that were previously fatal:

Millions of Australian children could avoid getting asthma as a result of ground-breaking Perth research which has found a vaccine that prevents damage to airways early in life.

Doctors say the new anti-inflammatory drugs could be used in preschoolers through to teenagers to stop healthy airways and lungs from becoming asthma-prone, effectively stopping the disease in its tracks.

The finding has huge implications, particularly in Australia, which has one of the highest rates of asthma in the world. Up to 40 per cent of five-year-olds have asthmatic wheezing and it is the biggest cause of hospital admissions among children.

Yet the government chooses to fund fat slobs to the tune of $100 million, because they are too stupid to eat less food.

There is no cure for human stupidity. There may be cures for many diseases like Cancer, AIDS, Asthma, Malaria or anything else. $100 million would sure help our researchers look for them.

Being fat is a choice. As is smoking, drinking, not wearing a seatbelt or any other stupid shit people do that can lead to them dying.

Having asthma or cancer is not a choice anyone makes.

It’s disgusting that so much taxpayers’ money goes towards trying to direct people’s choices, when it could be going to medical researchers trying to cure disease, like the asthma researchers above.

Brownshirts: Reality vs Fantasy

June 29, 2004

Fantasy.
Reality.

In other speech-stifling news, Tim Blair’s Malaysian sleeping dictionary* seems to be on strike:

I?m back! Or, as they say in Malaysia: “Pakaranang sunalirokrang sebang satang bandarang yang mempunang persaingang hebatdalamang pasarang keranang dipasarkang pengang kutamang antarabang pekerjanyang yangakangmang mahirdang kerjayang berpelajaran kualiti kehidupannyang persimpang kedudukannyang kemudahang mengkagumkang!”

* Warning: The Sleeping Dictionary contains many long, lingering close-ups of Jessica Alba’s breasts. Please exercise caution.

Eye On McDonalds

June 29, 2004

For all of you who’ve just got out of a session of “Super-Size Me”, rest assured that no cow eyeballs were eaten during the making of the film. If you went to the candy bar during the film, however, you probably ate stuff that was made from ground up cow bones, lips and/or nutsacks. Moooo.

May The Stapler Be With You

June 29, 2004

A couple of Star Wars-themed diversions to help you get through your busy day. First up, via bargarz, comes the ultimate ricer, Shawn Crosby’s H-Wing.

After you’ve had a giggle at that, check out BoingBoing’s link to “Office Space Wars“:

Office Space Wars is one of the funniest amateur video projects I’ve ever seen: it’s a remake of Office Space, set in the Star Wars Universe, with Vader as the bad boss, Jar Jar as the stapler guy, and R2D2 as the bad printer.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this federal, pound-me-in-the-ass prison…

Cold, Dead Brains

June 29, 2004

This flash movie, “The Last Request“, documents the last meals requested by a selection of condemned prisoners in the US:

The Last Request presents the final choice as made by several of these prisoners. As you watch this, remember that the capital punishment system occasionally kills the wrong man.

So perhaps you should ask yourself: What would your last meal be?

I think the intention is to make some sort of point on the inhumanity of capital punishment or something, but all it really did is make me hungry. So, I went to the freezer and microwaved 2 sausage rolls.

Anyway, I already know what my last meal request would be: The brains of every person who had ever spited me, made into sushi and served off a geisha’s naked body. And, to wash it down, 5 litres of bourbon in order to kill myself with alcohol toxicity before the government could. So there.

Life Imitates Porn

June 26, 2004

This week’s story of debauchery, involving horny doctors, naughty secretaries and photocopiers, brought to you by the Australian surf life saving association:

A CENTRAL Queensland doctor has been charged for allegedly spanking a female employee.

Dr Peter John Fenner AM ? the national medical officer for Surf Life Saving Australia and well-known irukandji jellyfish researcher ? is alleged to have spanked a 17-year-old female employee at a Mackay workplace last month.

The incident allegedly occurred after the teenager made a mistake with some paperwork.

The 57-year-old ? who practices at Mackay Family Medicine and has been an adjunct honorary associate professor at James Cook University ? is accused of asking the female employee to bend over some office equipment on May 22.

She was then allegedly spanked numerous times by the doctor.

This one is sure to re-open the debate on discipline of children. Should doctors be able to discipline their teen secretaries if they are naughty? They can be very naughty at times. And let’s not even start on nurses

Master Race Plan Successful

June 24, 2004

superboy.jpg

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat. DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine, represents the first documented human case of such a mutation.

Superboy? Bam-Bam? The result of an underground human genetic experiment left over from the 3rd Reich? Who knows. One thing we can all agree on is that this kid is some kind of freaky.

Gene Expression has some (more intelligent) thoughts.