Archive for June 24, 2004

Master Race Plan Successful

June 24, 2004

superboy.jpg

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat. DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine, represents the first documented human case of such a mutation.

Superboy? Bam-Bam? The result of an underground human genetic experiment left over from the 3rd Reich? Who knows. One thing we can all agree on is that this kid is some kind of freaky.

Gene Expression has some (more intelligent) thoughts.

Get Yer Tall Poppies Here!

June 24, 2004

This one has got it all. Football players behaving badly, the evil machinations of the hamburgery-industrial complex, and poor defenceless kids! Won’t someone please, please, please, please think of the chiiiiiiiiiiiiildren!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAST food giant McDonald’s has been accused of running a covert marketing campaign in schools.

Famous footballers employed by the hamburger chain have plugged the McDonald’s menu, and free McDonald’s merchandise has been given to students under the guise of motivational talks in high schools.

Complaints surfaced after Hawthorn footballer Ben Dixon gave a McDonald’s sponsored talk to a group of 250 Doncaster Secondary College Year 9 students on Tuesday.

Don’t you love the emotive language? Fast food giant! Covert marketing campaign! Can’t be that covert if they’re giving out merchandise, can it?

Meanwhile, the Potato Marketing Board still has not drawn any fire from anyone, despite their deliberate targetting of children.

Up next: Ronald McDonald, The Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese accused of pack-raping a Wilderness Society Koala. However, the koala’s case isn’t looking very good either. Unlike footy groupies, who are all devout christians saving themselves for marriage to the boy next door, koalas have been proven to be dirty, dirty sluts.

Quagmire

June 24, 2004

The war on drugs – An astounding success!

After a decade of concern about illicit drugs, ecstasy is cheaper than ever and much easier to procure in the nation’s capital cities, the head researcher of a study of nightclub patrons has said.

“The cost of an ecstasy tablet has fallen from about $70 in the mid-1990s in most of the major capital cities to about $30-35 now,” said Dr Cameron Duff, the director of research at the Australian Drug Foundation. “Allied to that, we’ve had a significant increase in the availability of these substances in the community.”

Dr Duff’s findings are confirmed by research on party drug trends, conducted by the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre. Only 3 per cent of those interviewed in a recent study of ecstasy users reported the drug to be difficult to purchase. In contrast, 80 per cent said it was easy, or very easy, to buy.

The national survey, of more than 800 regular users, showed friends were the primary source of drugs – a significantly more common point of purchase than dealers.

The only way it could get any cheaper is if it was included in the PBS.