Insert Rolling Stones Pun Here

Keith Richards is still one step ahead of the law:

Police have confirmed Rolling Stones rocker Keith Richards will not be fined for lighting a cigarette on stage.

The star appeared to flaunt Scotland’s smoking ban after lighting up during a concert at Hampden Park last Friday and his actions were reported to Glasgow City Council.

However, environmental officers decided the stage at the stadium does not fall under the enclosed public place criteria specified by the ban.

Keith apologises here, almost as well as I did.

Reverse Agony Aunt

Typical internet agony aunt columns work like this: Columnist invites readers to write in with problems, which he then dispenses advice to in a public forum.

That’s great if you are the sort of person who likes helping people, but I really prefer to help myself whenever possible.

So I am going to start a semi-regular column on this blog where I will tell you all MY problems, and YOU, the reader, can offer advice on how to help me solve them. These problems could be of any nature, and will usually be whatever is giving me the shits at any point in time.

Since this is the first issue of this (yet to named) column, I have a number of problems I need solving:

1. I have a 1987 XF Falcon with a 4.1 litre straight 6 carby engine. This car has many problems. Firstly, the car alarm fitted has the siren disabled, but it nonetheless still activates. If I leave the car overnight I wake up every day to find the battery is dead. I have just been disconnecting the battery terminals whenever I finish driving, but this is getting annoying.

Secondly, the car is quite difficult to start when cold. Combined with a dodgy battery this means that it frequently goes flat when attempting to start and I have to jump start it about 3 times a week. It starts fine on the 2nd, 3rd or 4th attempt of the day though.

Car nuts, help me out.

2. I have an issue with the Party Poker client. When playing on multiple tables, after about 30 minutes my (onboard) sound card goes to shit and the volume is reduced to the point where I can only just hear it if I turn my speakers to the maximum setting. This problem is only solved by restarting the PC. This problem only occurs when playing on multiple tables at Party Poker.

3. I like young, thin, asian chicks but my friends only like going to pubs that are full of old, fat, white chicks. Should I get new friends or just learn to love fat slappers?

Whoever provides a working solution to any of these problems will have their comment immortalised on the front page. Stay tuned for more shitty things about my life soon.

Points On Pokies

This is not a terribly coherent essay. It’s just a collection of stuff I’ve been commenting on Harry Clarke’s site. I’ve been arguing with Harry over gambling again, and the topic of pokies came up.

Since apparently “WA doesn’t have pokies”, and WA is so great because it doesn’t have pokies!!!!! Here are some facts about gambling in WA.

Lid Well And Truly Off

Was the sound on our TV broken yesterday or did the 43,000 fans at the derby not make a fucking peep after half time?

Even funnier was the comical endless looping of that West Coast ad after every Fremantle goal.

If it wasn’t for the 10 free kicks in the first quarter, West Coast probably wouldn’t have scored all day.

No Bias At The West Either

The unofficial West Coast Eagles fan daily that calls itself “The West Australian”, publishes this drawing of Fremantle vs West Coast fans in its derby preview article.

Notice the West Coast fan – clean shaven, young, and his mouth is only a little open – presumably this guy is only reacting to the screaming started by the demonic, bearded feral of a Fremantle fan, whose mouth is open so wide that he looks like he is a psychopath with a taste for human flesh.

It must be killing the sports writers at the West to know that Fremantle are doing well this year. It makes their consistent bias in favour of West Coast look even more stupid than usual.

Derby Reminder

With the Derby coming up on Sunday, a friendly reminder to all Freo supporters lucky enough to have tickets to remember the spirit of sportsmanship and boo Chris Judd no matter who wins.

Hopefully if you make him cry, he might be encouraged to shut up about global warming and the middle east.

Girl Friday

Special Multimedia Edition

And, because I can’t decide…

Gouge My Eyes Out

What can you say about this blog? Great name, snazzy design, but unfortunately the worst possible subject matter imaginable. Cork In The Ocean.

English Conversation 101

Japanese language schools go to great lengths to ensure their students are prepared for their holiday in the land of the barbarians.

Bad Ass

Apart from the extreme boredom, the biggest disadvantage of my job is that if for some reason I can’t work due to illness or injury, I can’t force someone to give me free money.

This never really worried me before (most of my lost work days are because of my lifelong battle with chronic laziness), but I now seem to have sustained a work-related injury – as unlikely as that may seem.

Due to sitting at my computer for 12-14 hours a day I have bruised my coccyx, and now it is extremely painful to sit for anything longer than 5-10 minutes at a time, which means I can’t play poker at all.

Regardless, the damage to my undercarriage is nothing compared to the greatest workers’ compo claim of all time, which undoubtedly goes to Melvin (father of Mario) van Peebles:

Infamously, when funds ran low, Van Peebles made extra money by applying for worker’s compensation after he contracted gonorrhea when filming one of the film’s numerous hardcore, unsimulated sex scenes. The scheme paid off, and Van Peebles used the money to further fund the project.

Sweetback was made for $150,000. Melvin van Peebles used non-union cast and crew (including casting then 13 year old Mario in a sex scene), and threw the S.A.G. off by pretending to be making a porn film (which they didn’t want to be associated with). The movie made over $10million in the end, a profit margin which would make even the most ruthless Chinese sweatshop owner proud.

BAADASSSSS!, the story of the making of Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song, is currently showing on Showtime (my injury thankfully doesn’t preclude laying on the couch). See if it you’ve got the chance – but before you do so, any tips on how to make sitting down more comfortable would be appreciated.