Reverse Agony Aunt

Typical internet agony aunt columns work like this: Columnist invites readers to write in with problems, which he then dispenses advice to in a public forum.

That’s great if you are the sort of person who likes helping people, but I really prefer to help myself whenever possible.

So I am going to start a semi-regular column on this blog where I will tell you all MY problems, and YOU, the reader, can offer advice on how to help me solve them. These problems could be of any nature, and will usually be whatever is giving me the shits at any point in time.

Since this is the first issue of this (yet to named) column, I have a number of problems I need solving:

1. I have a 1987 XF Falcon with a 4.1 litre straight 6 carby engine. This car has many problems. Firstly, the car alarm fitted has the siren disabled, but it nonetheless still activates. If I leave the car overnight I wake up every day to find the battery is dead. I have just been disconnecting the battery terminals whenever I finish driving, but this is getting annoying.

Secondly, the car is quite difficult to start when cold. Combined with a dodgy battery this means that it frequently goes flat when attempting to start and I have to jump start it about 3 times a week. It starts fine on the 2nd, 3rd or 4th attempt of the day though.

Car nuts, help me out.

2. I have an issue with the Party Poker client. When playing on multiple tables, after about 30 minutes my (onboard) sound card goes to shit and the volume is reduced to the point where I can only just hear it if I turn my speakers to the maximum setting. This problem is only solved by restarting the PC. This problem only occurs when playing on multiple tables at Party Poker.

3. I like young, thin, asian chicks but my friends only like going to pubs that are full of old, fat, white chicks. Should I get new friends or just learn to love fat slappers?

Whoever provides a working solution to any of these problems will have their comment immortalised on the front page. Stay tuned for more shitty things about my life soon.

Explore posts in the same categories: Personal

23 Comments on “Reverse Agony Aunt”

  1. carneagles Says:

    1. If it’s a manual car, try and park on a hill and just roll-start every morning.

    2. Update the sound card driver, or just buy a new sound card or USB adapter. They’re like $10 for a cheap one these days.

    3. You may be living in the wrong town.

  2. Darlene Says:

    “3. I like young, thin, asian chicks but my friends only like going to pubs that are full of old, fat, white chicks. Should I get new friends or just learn to love fat slappers?”

    On behalf of fat slappers, I say no.

    What the hell is Party Poker, it sounds vaguely rude?

  3. yobbo Says:

    Its an online casino. Not very rude at all really.

  4. Blandwagon Says:

    Do Asian chicks go to pubs? Most of the ones I know are either at the bubble tea shop or their local Gelare.

    Try hanging out in Karrawarra, Bentley and Manning, especially at the Karrawarra shopping centre. Once there, put a sign on your car offering free servicing for Honda Jazzes, and watch the Asian chicks flock to you.

  5. yobbo Says:

    Lol. That bubble tea stuff is awful too. My last girlfriend made me try it.

    Imagine a Masters Spearmint with 10 extra tablespoons of sugar in it – digusting.

    Yeah the curtin area is packed with them – pity I live NOR. Most of those girls are Singaporean and Malaysian students though and are only here during semester.

  6. Andjam Says:

    1. Sell to a car nut, for whom the car may have a greater utility?

    2. Have you tried other speakers/headphones? It’d only be treating the symptoms and not the problem, but it may be easier.

    3. I speak with about as much authority as Mahatir on Bar Mitzahs, (I don’t know how to pick up at all) but do your friends prefer “slappers” over asian chicks? If not, engage in rational discourse, but if they do, maybe your new friends would be better than your old friends.

  7. yobbo Says:

    My friends prefer the path of least resistance.

  8. Andjam Says:

    In that old slappers are easier to pick up?

  9. fremantle Says:

    1. new car

    2. new computer

    3. new city

    Suggest you dump everything & move to Singapore. I like London myself, Perth really is a backwater, and even though I’m an engineer & could easily get work back home, the world is my oystercard.

  10. Troy Says:

    1. Get a new car. Really, whats an XF worth these days 200 bucks?

    2. dont know

    3. “yellow fever” can be caught. Arrange a holiday to Thailand with your friends (thats where I got it).

  11. Nilk Says:

    1. Is the car insured? If it is, get it stolen and claim on it. Buy a new one. If you’re lucky, the old one will be recovered after you’ve claimed and you can then sell it for a bit of extra cash. If the car is not insured, buy a new one anyway.

    2. When I have problems with my pc, I just get a new one. Maybe that might work for you.

    3. I’m with Darlene.

  12. Guy Says:

    1. Ford falcons need power get a good battery it needs it. Also go to the wreckers and get a new alternator as they go every few years. If that fails you can get a cut off switch that you can turn every night instead of taking the entire lead off.
    2. Re install software for the sound card even go as far as to take it out and restart to let the computer find it again and re install software that way.
    3. Go on the internet to find them! It is cheaper and easier than going out anyway.

  13. nick Says:

    1. Sell car. Buy Honda Integra/Mitsi Lancer Evo or similar. This will help with 3.
    2. Get new sound card.
    3. Change city, take new car, prosper – Sydney, Singapore – even Adelaide!! (cars and Singapore don’t mix)

  14. Hammy Says:

    1. Get insurance. 1a. Leave car outside TAFE over the weekend. 1b. Wait a few days. 1c. Call insurance company to report the theft or damage. If it’s an ’87 model it wouldn’t take much for it to be written off.
    2. Dunno. Listening to music or watching vids whilst playing? Get some monster cable perhaps. Just talking out of my arse here.
    3. Are you more interested in Asian chicks or your friends? Where are your priorities, Yobbo? Get some Asian friends. With your insurance money you could buy a sporty Nissan Silvia as they seem to pull the chicks. But, you may need to shrink about 8″ in height, grow your hair longer, wear a cap, get daggy jeans that show your designer boxers, buy a mobile that could be used in the Space Shuttle, and probably chop a few inches off your old fella so that you look the type.

  15. 1. For godsakes, the 1985 Telstar is a better car, and it won Car of the year.

    2. Aren’t you an IT geek?

    3. Why don’t you re-enrol at University ina course with a lot of full fee paying students, and get pissed with them, and let the good times roll?

  16. It’s implied the full fee paying students are mainly from Malaysia or China. Throw some Japs, Koreans, Taiwanese, Thais and Indonesians into the mix.

  17. Steve Says:

    Sorry for finding this late….

    I was only going to comment on #3, but I have to comment on Nilk’s and Hammy’s comments: If the vehicle is recovered after a claim is paid, generally speaking the insurer would have rights of recovery, and at the best you would just get your excess refunded. Also, most policies automatically cancel after a total loss claim with no refund of premium. As the Glasses guide rates your vehicle at around $5,100 (MV) and a comp policy (IBNA Secure Motor) is around $480 (Allianz, assuming rat1, garaged, etc) you may get $4,500…. but insurance fraud is nasty and will come back to bite you. Also some wordings may have exclusions relating to theft whilst parked overnight. And on top of that, having a stolen/burntout claim against you would stuff up your no claim bonus and would potentially increase your premiums over what they would otherwise have been.

    As for #3: I would have said Church, but it’s you who wants the advice 🙂 Uni would be the easiest, a student accomodation place was where I found my ex. Then again, if Uni is out, my new object of affection was introduced to me at an Amway seminar….
    Try but don’t expect anything like a Jade Marcella

  18. yobbo Says:

    My car isn’t insured anyway because its worth about $500.

  19. underscore Says:

    1. Walk (I presume you can’t afford a Ferrari, so the car’s no help in solving item 3).
    2. Try new driver. The one you have is probably dumb. Averaging sound streams to the lowest common denominator.
    3. What about old fat Asian slappers? Everybody wins.

  20. Steve Says:

    You should at least get some third party property damage cover in case you smack into a bus/beamer. Let me know if you want me to broker a policy for you.


  21. Patt Says:

    Post your problem on my alternative agony aunt site and i will find a solution that does not nessisarilly solve your problem.

  22. Andjam Says:

    With regards to question 3, does your misadventure with the Elephant make you less likely to go to pubs with white chicks only, or are places with asian chicks also out?

  23. bebe Says:

    I’m writing to seek advice.I’m an algerian secondery school student of 17 .We are a familly of four .my fatheris handicapped and I’m the responssible of my familly.
    I am n a dilemma.I have to work in order to help my family,but if I do so I will give up my dream of becoming a doctor ,and if I don’t work I feel guilty.Ihave no one to turn to .what should Ido?
    looking forword to hearing from you now please.

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