Archive for the ‘Education’ category

Not Studying Law

June 16, 2004

A student who admits downloading material from the internet for his degree plans to sue his university for negligence.

Michael Gunn claims his university should have warned him his actions were against the regulations.

When investigating what action to take against the university faculty, the test to use is “What would Bluto do?”. Launching a ridiculous suit that you’re obviously going to lose doesn’t pass that test. Leading a horse into the dean’s office then firing a starter’s pistol? Well, it’s probably not going to help you pass either, but it’s just as effective and a lot funnier than a frivolous lawsuit.

Universities To Blame For Credentialism?

June 10, 2004

It’s all everybody else’s fault:

EMPLOYERS are sick and tired of graduates who cannot function in the workplace, and university funding should be linked to ensuring students complete a graduate skills test, Education Minister Brendan Nelson has warned.

In an interview with The Australian, Dr Nelson has flagged plans to force universities to publish the results of the tests, revealing how many of their graduates are ready to go to work.

Why should universities do the recruiter’s job for them? If your recruiting department is continually hiring people who aren’t capable of the job, perhaps it’s time to take a look in your own backyard.

Do you test people for skills they will need in the job, or do you take a look at their degree and them give them one of those stupid fucking questionaires that ask things like “Describe a time when you had a problem and solved it.” or “Describe what you’d do in a situation if you had a problem with your boss.”

Newsflash, morons: People study up on that shit and regurgitate canned answers. There are plenty of people around who will teach a course on how to pass it. It’s not much of a secret.

The reality is that most university degrees are an absolute waste of time and money, and that employers have nobody but themselves to blame for that. Twenty years of recruiting based on credentials rather than ability have led to the degree factories that churn out graduates with no skills.

Here’s a novel approach that you might like to try out: When recruiting for a position, set the applicant some tasks that reflect some things he or she will actually be doing in the job. You know, like replacing the toner in the printer, or showing the brainless-but-tenured personal assistant how to use the “fill down” feature in Excel. The applicant who does the best at these job-related tasks is going to be the person most suited for the job. Not the one with the most degrees.

The fact is that the emperor of tertiary education has no clothes. Unless you are recruiting an actual accountant or financial analyst, there’s nothing you learn in a 3 year business degree that couldn’t be better learned on-the-job in 2 weeks.

If you insist on recruiting graduates, then you must be prepared for the fact that they are not going to be any more skilled than your average 17 year old school leaver. The only real difference is that you’ll have to pay them more, because they have rather large HECS debts.

The solution is pretty simple, really. Judge applicants on their merits rather than their credentials, and you’ll be more successful. Not to mention that taxpayers would be saved umpteen millions of dollars each year by way of not having to pay for useless degrees.

Oh No!

May 5, 2004

UCLA paper the “Daily Bruin” reveals a shocking trend: The outlawing of affirmative action has led to a decrease in student activism!

The end of affirmative action saw many more Asian American students admitted to UCLA, while the number of students from underrepresented minority groups ? blacks, American Indians, Chicanos and Latinos ? has steadily declined.

“Without generalizing, I would say that Asian Americans have not had a traditional role of activism in the United States,” Nelson said. “They believe the way to success is through education, so they might study hard at the expense of things others may deem relevant.”

They believe the way to success is through education.

The luvvies, on the other hand, deem things like the prosecution of white guilt, social justice, and getting “anyone but Bush” elected as far more relevant.

The fact that Asian-Americans continue to succeed despite being non-white is a continual source of despair for the victim industry.

Schoolgirls Want Discipline

May 3, 2004

Of the many complaints I had during my schooling, this wasn’t one of them:

STUDENTS at a Northern Territory high school claim a riot could erupt if disciplinary action is not enforced.

Nightcliff High School pupils have said they are not being adequately disciplined and that the students have the upper hand over teachers.

Inappropriate behaviour at the school included schoolyard fights and bullying, object-throwing in class, student walkouts and drunkenness.

Student Sarah Wilson, 14, said she wanted Nightcliff High School to adopt a program whereby teachers were taught disciplinary action.

“Our teachers need to learn about discipline and how to apply it,” she said.

Isn’t that what you do in your Dip Ed, or is it exclusively learning about social justice and tolerance nowadays?

p.s. best google topic ever bada bing bada boom.

Another Brick In The Head

May 3, 2004

A frightening tale of the state of the US education system, from respected commentator Jesse Davis.

I had several teachers like this myself. My year 10 maths teacher started crying when I pointed out to her that she had marked all our tests incorrectly (due to her not understanding how to find the volume of a sphere). Then she made me stand outside for the rest of the class.

Subsequently, I also pointed out to her that she was ugly, stupid, and a bitch.

Another of my favourite schoolday hijinks was the time that myself and another guy stole some sodium from the chemistry lab and dropped it in a glass of water, blowing up the Chemistry teachers desk (complete with documents and beakers). The sodium was stuck to the roof for the rest of the year.

For our misbehaviour, the teacher informed us that we were no longer welcome in chemistry class until we decided to a:) grow up and b:) apologise. So we spent the next 6 weeks in the library reading asterix comics and looking at reproductive organs in the anatomy books. We both still got ‘A’s though. It’s pretty hard not to when they make the class easy enough for everyone to pass.

Sex For Hecs!

April 5, 2004

The latest in the “righteous indication from some idiot who just found out something that everyone with a brain already knows” news department is this revealing article on the stunning findings of Dr Sarah Lantz. Doctor of “Sociology”. You can stop reading there if you like, because you know what’s coming, but just for the hell of it, lets take a look at her findings.

UNIVERSITY students are working as strippers and prostitutes to pay for their higher education.

Haven’t they ever heard of the novel concept of “Deferring HECS Payments”?

A survey by Melbourne University lecturer Dr Sarah Lantz found at least 40 struggling students worked in strip clubs, escort agencies and massage parlours.

Now this may come as a shock to many readers, but I have previously been involved in recruiting strippers for various functions. At the prices they charge, you can rest assured that none of them are actually “struggling”.

Their jobs helped pay rising costs of upfront fees, books, research materials, photocopying, food and living expenses.

Upfront fees are not compulsory. If you’re broke, don’t pay them! My photocopying bill for last semester was about $2.80, and I don’t even know what “research materials” are. And let’s not forget “food and living expenses” because if it wasn’t for Johnny Howard and his evil HECS regime, food and housing would be free too!

About one quarter of the 120 women working at the Daily Planet brothel were uni students, earning up to $2000 a week, a staff member told the Herald Sun.

$2000 a week. What a struggle!

After working as waiters, doing bar work, telemarketing, cleaning, clerical work and babysitting, they entered the sex industry.

That is, they used to do actual work, but realised that being a hooker is not only a hell of a lot easier, but it pays better, you don’t have to pay tax, and night work is easy to get. Sounds like a great idea. If I was a chick, I’d be a hooker or a stripper. Or possibly both.

In fact, the government should increase Austudy payments to male students to compensate them for the fact that they can’t do the same thing. Life is so fucking unfair.

Dr Lantz, a sociology lecturer, said the cost of HECS and upfront fees was a major reason for students working in the sex industry.

Did I mention Dr Lantz is a Gigantic Moron? Because she is. In fact, she’s so stupid that they should strip her of her title. I grew up believing that doctors were smart people. She gives doctors a bad name.

She said most worked in strip clubs and brothels; however, three international students admitted working as illegal street prostitutes.

What kind of “international” are we talking here? And what street?

Some other students sold drugs or worked cash-in-hand jobs that avoided tax, she said. The survey found 85 per cent of the women lived below the poverty line.

Students work cash jobs because they are cheating welfare. If you get a paycheque, they take your Austudy away! Don’t you study sociology or something? Also, how the fuck do you live below the poverty line on $2000 a week? If that’s poverty, let’s have another great depression!

“They see it as fast money and flexible work,” Dr Lantz said. “These women are intelligent, articulate and have high goals.

Duh. They make $2000 a week doing sweet shit all. If I could find a way to do that, I’d consider myself pretty intelligent too. The only person smarter than the student hookers is Dr Lantz herself, because she’s managed to score a job doing even less and probably getting paid a hell of a lot more.

Most of the sex workers surveyed worked up to four days a week and wanted to leave the industry after they completed their degrees.

Four days a week! Someone call Arthur Scargill!

But Ms Fenson said many students got caught in the scene long-term.

And by caught up, what she means is that most of them are probably smart enough to work out that leaving a four day a week, $100k a year job for a shitkicker’s role in a call centre upon graduation is not exactly what you’d call career advancement.

National Union of Students president Jodie Jansen said some students turned to the sex industry because of the high youth unemployment rate and difficulty securing other types of jobs.

It’s certainly difficult to find other types of jobs that pay 100 grand a year and let you make your own hours. However, the particular demographic involved in this story remains eminently employable.

University of Melbourne spokeswoman Christina Buckridge declined to comment.

Probably because she was dumbfounded by the stupidity of the entire study.

Alan Anderson has an opinion too.

Far Out Man!

February 12, 2004

This is what your student guild money pays for:

MURDOCH University students stole alcohol and vandalised expensive furniture after staff allowed them to protest in the university’s senate building last year.

Murdoch was been left with an $11,000 bill by the students, who initially took over the building after a senate meeting in October to protest against the university’s proposal to accept full-fee paying students.[…]

Student guild president Malcolm Bradley, who is in his 12th year of study at Murdoch, said the protest had not been organised by the guild although he conceded students associated with it were involved in the protest.

Mr Bradley said he had been one of the regular protesters. But he said there had been no discussions with the university about the costs of the protest and $11,000 seemed preposterously high.

I’m sure the guild can afford it. 12,000 students being extorted for $50 a semester each means they can afford to pay for it when their members get a little too feral.

Murdoch spokesman Nathan Giles said there had been informal discussions with the student guild about the damage but the university had decided not to invoice the guild for the costs.

On the other hand, you taxpayers can also afford it. After all, you’re investing in Australia’s future!

We Don’t Need No Thought Control

February 3, 2004

It’s not just Australia where school children get left-wing viewpoints rammed down their throat in class. Anywhere there’s education, there’s a sufficiently “socially just” teacher with a well-worn copy of Silent Spring and an unused razor. US schoolgirl Cecile Dubois learns what it’s like to be a conservative in a place where it’s forbidden.

Exam Week

November 10, 2003

Exams begin tomorrow for me, and finish on Friday. 4 in 4 days. Lucky im so studious and am already on top of everything waaay ahead of time!

And by that, I mean…Any accountants out there with big eyebrows who might be in Perth this week, send me an email – I need a favour!

Sam’s Study Tips

October 8, 2003

Here’s a useful tip that I have worked out, for any of you who may be studying subjects that allow you to submit work via E-Mail.

The way these kind of things usually work, is that they have an automated e-mailbox that tags any emails that arrive before the deadline. Submit after that and your work won’t be accepted.

But what if you are snowed under with work and can’t make the deadline? What if you are like me, and decided to start your assignment an hour before the deadline, only to discover that it would take about 6 hours?

Here’s what you do.

Go into your windows/system folder, and find a binary file (.bin) about 60-100k in size. This is about the average size of a Microsoft word document. For the purpose of this experiment, I used unicode.bin, but any binary file will work fine.

Right click the file so the menu comes up and click copy. Go to your desktop and paste it there. You now have a working copy of some windows file that does god knows what.

We don’t care what it does. We care what it doesn’t do. And what it doesn’t do is make any sense at all when opened in Microsoft Word.

Click on your file’s name, and change it to something snappy like “Assignment1.doc”. The .doc is important, because you can now pretend it’s a Microsoft Word file. You will need to have filename extensions visible to do this. If you don’t, it will be called “Assignment1.doc.bin” and the gig will probably be up.

You can now try opening your file by double clicking it. What will happen is either your computer will explode, or Microsoft Word will attempt to open it, and display a mess of gibberish. It’s all good.

Now, submit your assignment like nothing’s wrong!

2-5 days later, depending on when your lecturer checks the emails, they are going to find your assignment, submitted on time and all in order. Oh, but wait, what’s this? The poor dear has somehow buggered it up. I had better give him a chance to hand it in…After all, it’s not his fault that he’s stupid, most of the kids are this semester:

Hi there Sam,

Unfortunately the attachment which contains your assignment below is scrambled.

Please re-submit ASAP in standard Microsoft Word format or you can fax it to me on


(name deleted)

There you go! 7 Day extension on assignment, no questions asked!

All that remains is to actually do your assignment and submit it properly this time. To keep the ruse ultra-tight, I might take the understanding prof up on his offer to fax it. That way he’ll continue to assume I’m a computer illiterate moron, and I’ll continue to assume the same about him.

That’s all for today. Class Dismissed.