Archive for the ‘Personal’ category

Arrested In Northbridge

November 5, 2006

Last night I was ejected from the “Elephant and Wheelbarrow” hotel in Northbridge. According the bouncer who ejected me I was too drunk to be in there.

Why he thought this I wasn’t sure, because I was in quite fair condition and the pub was very busy, which makes me wonder how he decided from amongst the crowd of people in there that I was drunk enough to warrant eviction.

Three ideas:

1. Because I am tall, maybe he saw my head bobbing above the crowd and short man syndrome kicked in.

2. My slanted eyes may have given me the appearance of being sleepy.

3. Maybe I tripped over while he was looking at me or something, but I certainly don’t remember anything like that happening.

Anyway, while I was at the bar waiting for service, the bouncer walked up to me and tried the old trick of saying “Can I just talk to you outside for a moment”? Which is a ploy designed to get you closer to the door so they can muscle you out faster when they inform you that you are ejected.

I replied simply that if he wanted to “talk to me”, he could do so right here. If on the other hand he wanted to eject me, I wanted to know for what reason.

He gave no reason and simply called for 2 more bouncers and the largest of them armlocked me and forced-marched me out the door. I offered no resistance of any kind.

Once outside the pub I stood around waiting for my friends who were still inside on the dance floor. (bouncers rarely eject anyone in a group, they wait until you are alone at the bar or going to the toilet, because they are cowards).

The same bouncer who had ejected me was standing on the door and told me that I couldn’t wait outside the pub for my friends. I informed him that on the contrary, I certainly could and I would be waiting just where I was for as long as I pleased.

He threatened to call the police, I let him know I wasn’t concerned if he did because I had done nothing wrong and was continuing to do nothing wrong, except really annoy one insecure little bouncer.

The police were called and asked me to move on. I said to the police that I had done nothing wrong and was waiting for my friends. I said that they had no right to ask me to leave a public footpath when I had neither committed nor was likely to commit any crime.

The police then officially issued me a move-on notice (which stated I had to leave the area bounded by Roe, Beaufort, Fitzgerald and Newcastle streets, aka Northbridge) and said they would be back in 5 minutes, at which I would be arrested if I hadn’t left Northbridge altogether.

I informed them again that I had committed no crime and wouldn’t be moving. They came back 5 minutes later and bundled me into a paddy wagon and took me to Curtin House. They stuck me in the lockup with an accused drug dealer called Lenny while approxiamately 6 police officers attempted to find out exactly what kind of drugs he was carrying. When I was processed and bailed about 40 minutes later they still hadn’t worked it out.

I am due to appear in court on November 9. The charge on my bail undertaking is “Suspects and others may be ordered to move on”. Until then I am not allowed to go into Northbridge.

The maximum penalty for this charge is $12,000 fine or equivalent prison time.

I was also issued a $100 on the spot infringement notice for “failing to leave licensed premises on request”, a notice I will also be contesting because I was already out of the licensed premises when police arrived.

Any advice on how to tackle these two cases would be much appreciated.

My Bail Conditions

November 5, 2006

Not to enter the area bounded by Fitzgerald St, Beaufort St, Roe St and Newcastle St.

I am officially banned from Northbridge.

Oops

November 5, 2006

If any lawyers based in Western Australia are not busy this coming week, feel free to email me at ydraw at iinet dot net dot au. Bonus points if you’d relish the chance to fight against WA’s illiberal “move on” laws.

SMCC 1st Grade, 14/21 Oct 2006.

October 23, 2006

As part of a new internal club newsletter, all of the captains of Scarborough Cricket Club are asked to submit a match report for each game. This will probably be of limited interest to non-members, but I’ll put it up here anyway for your reading pleasure.

The scorecard for this game is available online here.
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Government Steals From Citizens

September 4, 2006

Despite the $750 million in extortion proceeds they receive each year, the ABC is still on the bones of its arse, to the point where they are reduced to stealing:

I heard a part of Yobbo’s ‘I’m sorry’ speech this afternoon on an ABC radio show on blogging. You’ve hit the big time Yobbo.

The least they could do is tell me when they are going to put me on radio so I can listen in. Tax eating motherfuckers.

Reverse Agony Aunt

August 31, 2006

Typical internet agony aunt columns work like this: Columnist invites readers to write in with problems, which he then dispenses advice to in a public forum.

That’s great if you are the sort of person who likes helping people, but I really prefer to help myself whenever possible.

So I am going to start a semi-regular column on this blog where I will tell you all MY problems, and YOU, the reader, can offer advice on how to help me solve them. These problems could be of any nature, and will usually be whatever is giving me the shits at any point in time.

Since this is the first issue of this (yet to named) column, I have a number of problems I need solving:

1. I have a 1987 XF Falcon with a 4.1 litre straight 6 carby engine. This car has many problems. Firstly, the car alarm fitted has the siren disabled, but it nonetheless still activates. If I leave the car overnight I wake up every day to find the battery is dead. I have just been disconnecting the battery terminals whenever I finish driving, but this is getting annoying.

Secondly, the car is quite difficult to start when cold. Combined with a dodgy battery this means that it frequently goes flat when attempting to start and I have to jump start it about 3 times a week. It starts fine on the 2nd, 3rd or 4th attempt of the day though.

Car nuts, help me out.

2. I have an issue with the Party Poker client. When playing on multiple tables, after about 30 minutes my (onboard) sound card goes to shit and the volume is reduced to the point where I can only just hear it if I turn my speakers to the maximum setting. This problem is only solved by restarting the PC. This problem only occurs when playing on multiple tables at Party Poker.

3. I like young, thin, asian chicks but my friends only like going to pubs that are full of old, fat, white chicks. Should I get new friends or just learn to love fat slappers?

Whoever provides a working solution to any of these problems will have their comment immortalised on the front page. Stay tuned for more shitty things about my life soon.

Bad Ass

August 16, 2006

Apart from the extreme boredom, the biggest disadvantage of my job is that if for some reason I can’t work due to illness or injury, I can’t force someone to give me free money.

This never really worried me before (most of my lost work days are because of my lifelong battle with chronic laziness), but I now seem to have sustained a work-related injury – as unlikely as that may seem.

Due to sitting at my computer for 12-14 hours a day I have bruised my coccyx, and now it is extremely painful to sit for anything longer than 5-10 minutes at a time, which means I can’t play poker at all.

Regardless, the damage to my undercarriage is nothing compared to the greatest workers’ compo claim of all time, which undoubtedly goes to Melvin (father of Mario) van Peebles:

Infamously, when funds ran low, Van Peebles made extra money by applying for worker’s compensation after he contracted gonorrhea when filming one of the film’s numerous hardcore, unsimulated sex scenes. The scheme paid off, and Van Peebles used the money to further fund the project.

Sweetback was made for $150,000. Melvin van Peebles used non-union cast and crew (including casting then 13 year old Mario in a sex scene), and threw the S.A.G. off by pretending to be making a porn film (which they didn’t want to be associated with). The movie made over $10million in the end, a profit margin which would make even the most ruthless Chinese sweatshop owner proud.

BAADASSSSS!, the story of the making of Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song, is currently showing on Showtime (my injury thankfully doesn’t preclude laying on the couch). See if it you’ve got the chance – but before you do so, any tips on how to make sitting down more comfortable would be appreciated.

Mystery Solved

August 8, 2006

Christmas Eve 2 years ago, I spent the night (as I do most Christmas Eves) boozing away with friends and family at the Dumbleyung Tavern.

I woke up Christmas day with a numb left hand, and numbness on the outer side of my left arm all the way up to the elbow. When I got back to Perth a week later it still hadn’t gone away, so I went to see the doctor. He promptly informed me that it was due to drinking too much. I pretty much dismissed his advice since my doctor is an elderly Chinese man who is one of the biggest bible thumpers I have ever met. Even when I go in there with the flu he tells me it’s the booze’s fault.

Unfortunately in this case it seems he was right. Sometimes even a blind squirrel finds an acorn.

The problem is that I have injured the arm’s radial nerve. As a result, the muscles it controls and the skin-sensation it manages are out of commission. On its course from the spinal cord in the neck to the forearm and hand, the radial nerve — a bundle containing many individual nerve-fibers — spirals around the humerus-bone of the upper arm. The nerve is particularly vulnerable to injury near the mid-portion of the humerus, in this case by allowing the hard edge of the park-bench to compress it all night against the bone. The weakness produced by this condition is usually more impairing than the numbness that is also present.

With “palsy” as another word for weakness this kind of injury to the radial nerve is called “Saturday night palsy.”

Of course, injury to the radial nerve injury can occur on any other night of the week, as well, and the setting does not have to be a park-bench. The usual common denominators are that alcohol or other drugs are involved, and because of the deep, drug-induced slumber, the arm is kept in the same position all night long.

In other words, my arm went numb because I was pissed and slept on it. It was a bit of a worry at the time though, given that I couldn’t make a fist or pick anything up with it for over a month.

Thanks to Shaky Kaiser for the heads up. I will remember to be more careful when passed-out drunk in the future.

Free To Good Home

August 3, 2006

If anyone would like a new pet, a source close to this blog has 2500 cute little black-faced lambs to give away.

The ideal pet, lambs are a great way to keep your lawn trim, and if you get bored of them or get hassled by the council, you can just slaughter them and make them into tasty chops. Expressions of interest welcome in comments.

Explanation

June 4, 2004

A big apology is due to all readers for my sudden disappearance last week. While parents, friends and readers alike were busily writing my obituary, I’ve spent the last week and a half in a game of tag with Primus Telecom trying to get them to reconnect my phone.

Being a child of the digital age, I communicate with friends and colleagues primarily by email, online chat programs or SMS. For that reason, I’ve never been big on checking the real life mailbox. Unfortunately, most businesses still bill by snail mail, even (inexplicably) ones like Primus who offer internet connection as one of their core businesses.

So what happens when you dont check the mail for a month? You don’t realise you have bills to pay and they disconnect your goddamn phone. For a desperate net addict like me this is a very serious problem.

Apparently, when you don’t pay your phone bill in time, Primus has a policy of keeping it connected but disabling the ability to call out on the phone. You can still receive calls, you just cant ring any more charges up. They call this “barring”. If you still dont pay it within the specified period, they fully disconnect it.

Being that I rarely use my land line for anything except ordering pizzas, I was unaware that it had been barred at all. My internet connection is always-on ADSL which doesnt entail a local call charge like a dialup connection would. Thus, I was unaware there was a problem until the phone was completely disconnected and I couldn’t log on to the internet.

Obviously, as soon as I realised the phone had been disconnected, I got in touch with them and paid the bill and asked for it to be reconnected. No problem.

Or so I thought.

The guy who I had waited 45 minutes to talk to informed me that once my payment had cleared, the phone would be back on within a couple of hours. I went home and took a nap, then woke up and tried it again. Nothing.

At 4pm I drove back to the payphone to ring them again and find out what was going on. After a another good half hour or so on hold, I finally reached a customer service rep who told me that the first person I talked to thought I was merely barred, and had acted to remove the bar. This wasn’t particularly helpful since my phone was completely disconnected.

I was transferred through to the reconnection department, which promptly informed me that 4pm Western Standard time was outside of their business hours and that I had to call back between 9am and 5pm EST.

On Friday I went down to the payphone at about 2:15 and tried again. Unfortunately for me, all their customer service representatives were on other calls (how unlucky eh?) and it must have been a particularly big backlog, because it took until 3:10pm for me to get through. That’s 55 minutes standing at a payphone only to again be told that I had to call back in business hours.

Since that would mean Monday at the earliest, I was significantly pissed off at this point, and let the operator know. Not a lot she can do about it from the call centre in Bangalore though. All in all, it was Wednesday just gone before I finally got the phone reconnected, and another 2 days to get the ADSL codes re-entered by Telstra to reactivate my broadband connection.

And here I am. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was hoping that ChrisV would have kept the home fires burning while I was away, but with no non-internet related way to contact him, he probably had no idea what the problem was anyway.

So has anything interesting happened since I was away?