Archive for the ‘Religion’ category

Message From Ron

August 20, 2003

While I’m not a religious man, I nevertheless am one of the few people who actually enjoy getting paid visits from various religious nutballs on weekend mornings. There’s no better way to pass the time than debating a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons on the benefits of alcohol, gambling and pre-marital sex.

Without exception, they are very friendly people. On an earlier trip to Sydney I found myself lost in some part of the suburbs that can only be described as “Koreatown”. Upon alighting from the train, I was politely accosted by one of the aforementioned Mormons, intent on preaching the word of god to me.

Now Mormons are especially interesting, as their religion involves a form of compulsive backpacking. From what I could wrangle from this particular missionary, all Mormon kiddies are required to travel the world for at least 1 year after high school/college, to preach the word to the unbelievers.

After their mission is complete, they are allowed to return home and get married. This is why you don’t see any wrinkly old Mormon preachers – only the fresh faced young ones.

This particular young bloke told me that he expressly learned Korean at school for the purposes of saving Korean souls. I’m not sure why Koreans especially are being targetted, but anything that gives Aussie kids an advantage in the Quake III tournament scene is to be applauded.

The reason for this ramble is that, rather than being visited by any Mormon’s or Jehovah’s Witnesses today, I instead received my monthly mailing of “Awareness” magazine. For those not in the know, the monthly communication from our friends in the Scientology movement. It seems as though a previous resident of this abode was a fully paid up scientologist, and has never bothered to change her details.

This month’s issue is all about drugs and how Ron formulated a way to save the world from their evil influence. Unfortunately, the secret formula is not contained within – I assume I’ll have to send them a check for $500 to find out how to ditch the winnie blues and instant coffee which are contaminating my soul.

What we do get though, is a number of testimonials from previously saved souls, including Hillary Millard, 22, a Dancer:

“I was a troubled woman because of all the drugs and toxins built up in my system. Since the Purification, I have much more control of my life. I’m much happier.”

The “purification rundown” is the service being hawked in the brochure. It seems to be some kind of holistic cleansing meditation bizzo that will ensure that your body is free from the vice of all drugs. Sounds like something that could be marketed fairly effectively by “The Body Shop” or similar snake-oil merchants.

I’m not altogether thrilled with continuing to receive this rubbish, but I dare not write and ask to have our address removed from the list. That’s likely to be as about as effective as replying to spam. I’ll let you know if I receive any further useful scientological advice as I receive it.

I can’t help but feel that this whole scientology business would be a lot more fun if they occasionally sent around cute 20-something girls to tell me about it. Mormons have this processed perfected.

God Greenlights GM

August 5, 2003

This should give the EU luddites a much needed shakeup:

THE Vatican has stunned opponents of genetically modified foods by declaring they hold the answer to world starvation and malnutrition.

Until Sunday’s statement the Vatican had been neutral in the European Union-US confrontation over GM food.

Obviously, nothing the Pope says will have much of an effect on the godless commies infesting the anti-GM activist groups around the world, but he does still have a bit of leverage where it really counts – with the people.

Regardless of religious beliefs, it’s good to see that someone, at least, is capable of applying a bit of good, old-fashioned common sense to the debate:

Archbishop Martino, who until last year was the Vatican representative at the UN, said he had lived for 16 years in the US “and I ate everything that was offered to me, including genetically modified products. They had no effect on my health. This controversy is more political than scientific.”

The Vatican study will argue that the future of humanity is at stake and that there is no room for the ideological arguments advanced by environmentalists.


U R DUMPED! :(~~~

July 29, 2003

Who says Islam hasn’t kept up with the times?

MUSLIM men can divorce their wives through text messages on mobile telephones, the New Straits Times reported yesterday.

Hamid Othman, adviser to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, said divorce via SMS or short messaging service was in accordance with Sharia law if it was clear and unambiguous.

“SMS is just another form of writing,” Hamidas said, following an Islamic court decision on Thursday that ruled in favour of a man who served divorce on his wife using SMS.

Islamic law permits a man to divorce his wife by saying “talaq” ? I divorce you ? three times.

Thats 82527082527082527 for those of you with predictive text.

Church Embraces Free Market

July 25, 2003

Here’s a church with the right idea…Immoral porn peddlars getting you down? Don’t try to get the government to outlaw it – Just buy them out!

(Milford, Connecticut-AP) — A Connecticut church is the new landlord of Video Pleasures.

The Kingdom Life Christian Church in Milford is buying the building that houses the porn shop. Bishop Jay Ramirez says they’ll shut down the adult video store.

His congregation raised 245-thousand dollars to buy the place.

Ramirez says that’s just the beginning

He says the church will be collecting more money to buy-out other porno shops in the community.

If they raise enough money to buy the Bellagio, sound the alarm.

We Are All Infidels

June 30, 2003

I don’t believe in any sort of God and I don’t really care if my readers do or not.

I don’t believe Jesus Christ ever rose from the dead and I’m not 100% convinced that he ever really existed at all.

I don’t believe I should be banned from drinking beer on Good Friday, because I like beer a lot more than I like chocolate eggs.

I don’t believe in biblical prophecies about the Jews returning to their homeland or any such thing.

I do believe that Israel has a right to exist.

I do believe that the Israel Defence Force has the right to defend the innocent citizens of Israel from the murderous pieces of shit who believe that Democracy, Freedom, Science and Capitalism are crimes against “God”. By any means necessary.

I believe a great many strident atheists let their distaste of anything religious cloud their view of Israel. It’s not about God. It’s about freedom.

Jew, Christian, Hindu, Agnostic, Atheist, Wiccan, Whatever: We are all Infidels in the eyes of fundamentalist Islam.

I believe I’m going to stick this picture on my blog and leave it there. You can too if you want.


Atheism: Why Bother?

May 10, 2003

Steven Den Beste posted 3 156,000 word articles about atheism this week. He makes a lot of sense if you have 2 spare days to read it all. Links here here and here.

Steven explains how atheism can’t be proven, because that isn’t the way scientific theory works. Thats my 1 line summation of his thesis, anyway.

I’d like someone to address the game theory of Atheism…

Let’s say that I’m wrong, and there is a God after all. I’m assuming I go to hell.

The problem is, there’s no big payoff for being right, since being right means an experience of a loss of conciousness, followed by nothing for eternity.

I guess you can’t choose what you believe, but the whole setup seems like a really bad bet to me.

My question is: Why do people bother being atheists, when we’ve got nothing to gain from it? Do we like being right that much?

Dude, You’re Going To Hell

May 1, 2003

One thing is for sure: If there is a hell, I’ll be there.

If anyone can beat 3 extremes, 1 very high, and 3 highs, let me know.

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme
Level 7 (Violent) High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) High

Take the Dante’s Inferno Hell Test

Here’s what Mr Dante thinks I can look forward to:

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest.

This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions.

The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them.

You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.

To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I could handle zero-g sex with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy for all eternity.

Presumably, Madoka Ozawa and Sally Yoshino* would be there too, if they lived in Dante’s time.

*Outgoogle This, Woolcock!

God Hates Beer

April 18, 2003

If it’s possible to have a bad long weekend, then Easter is it.

For some bloody unknown reason, pubs aren’t allowed to open on Good Friday in WA. Not just pubs, mind you, but anywhere that sells alcohol.

Like most Aussies my age, I was brought up in a school system that encouraged religious education. I have a pretty good recollection of the story of Easter, along with the much more entertaining Old Testament stories.

For the life of me though, I can not remember the significance of shutting the pubs.

Would someone kindly explain why you can go to the pub on any given Sunday (the Sabbath), Easter Monday, Christmas Eve, Christmas day, but not Good Friday?

I learned to loathe Easter in my adolescence, where partying was always destroyed by the dreaded running out of beer on Good Friday. On the odd lucky occasion, somebody remembered to stock up, but usually it resulted in an early night.

In retaliation for the religious nutballs who believe they have the right to decide when I get hammered, I’d like to point readers to Positive Atheism. A great list of quotes from Atheists through the ages. Here’s one that is especially applicable today:

The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

— Thomas Jefferson

If you get sick of reading quotes, you can take the Bible quiz. Learn what Jesus was really like! That should keep you busy while waiting for the pub to open.