Life Imitates Porn II

You can thank Tony for this one:

A teacher in a Zimbabwe elementary school has been suspended for giving unruly pupils a choice between being caned or suckling her breasts.

Apparently, 14 of the teacher’s third-graders chose the latter, the Zimbabwe Herald reported Tuesday.

[…]

One student told his parents he was given the choice between 100 lashes with a cane or suckling his teachers’ breasts for talking during class.

All I can say is, she must be real fucken ugly if it was a choice between a hundred lashes and the titties. Something like the landlady from Kingpin comes to mind.

Anyhow, that’s secretaries and teachers already this week, can someone point me in the direction of the nurses?

Abtholutely Thuperfish

Ian Thorpe obviously isn’t giving enough face time to channel 9 staff:

Now, as Ian Thorpe launches his latest male underwear collection today, the Olympic swimmer will learn he is part of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy send-up set to air on Channel 9.

While the nation’s wonderboy is spared a role as part of the Fab Five in the series premiere of Comedy Inc, an arm-waving, lookalike in a set of pearls becomes the target of the team’s tjuzing.

As the team gets to work on his apartment, they’re shocked to find a library of Kylie Minogue, George Michael and Barbra on Broadway CD’s.

As “Carson” eyeballs his walk-in wardrobe, the Thorpie lookalike responds: “I’ve divided it into 27 basic sections … formal, semi-formal, designers …”

What would Brian Boitano do?

Metmucil Me

Imre Salusinszky tries the all-McDonalds diet, and surprisingly doesn’t die:

Six years ago, with the help of GutBusters, I reduced my weight from 98kg to 80kg. I’ve always wanted to lose the extra two kilos to make it a round 20, but never imagined it would be Ronald McDonald who would get me over the line.

In addition, he attempts to one-up Morgan Spurlock’s projectile vomiting in Super-Size Me by talking incessantly about poop:

My firm regular stools were simply a bonus.

Don’t encourage Emma Tom, please.

Life Imitates Porn

This week’s story of debauchery, involving horny doctors, naughty secretaries and photocopiers, brought to you by the Australian surf life saving association:

A CENTRAL Queensland doctor has been charged for allegedly spanking a female employee.

Dr Peter John Fenner AM ? the national medical officer for Surf Life Saving Australia and well-known irukandji jellyfish researcher ? is alleged to have spanked a 17-year-old female employee at a Mackay workplace last month.

The incident allegedly occurred after the teenager made a mistake with some paperwork.

The 57-year-old ? who practices at Mackay Family Medicine and has been an adjunct honorary associate professor at James Cook University ? is accused of asking the female employee to bend over some office equipment on May 22.

She was then allegedly spanked numerous times by the doctor.

This one is sure to re-open the debate on discipline of children. Should doctors be able to discipline their teen secretaries if they are naughty? They can be very naughty at times. And let’s not even start on nurses…

Master Race Plan Successful

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat. DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine, represents the first documented human case of such a mutation.

Superboy? Bam-Bam? The result of an underground human genetic experiment left over from the 3rd Reich? Who knows. One thing we can all agree on is that this kid is some kind of freaky.

Gene Expression has some (more intelligent) thoughts.

Cheney Dumped!

Bush has a new running mate.

Just Her Type

This woman has serious issues when it comes to choosing a mate:

A MAN who doused a woman with petrol and set her alight after she repeatedly rejected his marriage proposals has been sentenced to 14 years in jail.

The Supreme Court heard today that 35-year-old Hasan Huseyin Alipek of Richmond abducted Hulya Cavus from a city hotel and took her to an isolated part of Broadford, north of Melbourne, where he set her alight.

An earlier Magistrates Court hearing was told the 38-year-old mother of three had resisted Alipek’s advances because she was reluctant to remarry after her ex-husband, Gulbey Cavus, stabbed her six times at her workplace.

Third time lucky maybe?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

A recent poll on the Australian Libertarian site asked the question: What is the greatest threat to our Liberty?

The clear winner? : Stupidity.

With that in mind, I’d like to take the chance to celebrate a couple of obvious exponents in this most pervasive of nouns. Only one of these is actually a threat to liberty, but they’re both pretty stupid.

First up, in a noble and successful effort to outdo Merlin for “dumbest. protest. ever.”, there’s this:

AN Indian mystic who vowed to spend a weekend buried underground to show his desire for world peace has died of suffocation.

Coming hot on its trail is this handy guide on how to make heroin – from the seed to the needle. Probably not “stupid” on its own merits, but when the publisher is the US Department of Justice? Talk about making life hard for yourself.

If we can have a war on nouns like “Drugs” and “Terrorism”, then surely a war on Stupidity is long overdue.

Higher Education Under Threat

In what could prove to be the greatest threat to tertiary education since the invention of the funnel, Australia’s finest scientists have come up with Goon-In-A-Can.

WE’VE had it in bottles, flagons and casks – now get ready for wine in cans.

Barokes, a range of wines in 250ml aluminium cans, will go on sale in New South Wales in September for $3.99 each.

Launched in Japan and Taiwan 18 months ago, Barokes canned wine is the brainchild of Melbourne entrepreneurs Greg Stokes and Steve Barics.

Curing cancer is great and all that, but these two men have dedicated their lives to getting asian chicks drunk. We at A Yobbo’s View applaud their efforts.

Repent

I don’t have my bible handy, but I think I remember this being one of the signs of the apocalypse:

Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff’s first hip-hop album.

The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles and are said to have struck up a close friendship.

Hasselhoff has had some success as a singer, releasing seven albums. He’s also said to be very popular in Germany.

Ice-T, who was one of the first real hip-hop stars in the late 1980s, said: “The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him.”

The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-old for Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.

Ice-T added: “He’s gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff – I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour.”

This’ll be right up there with William Shatner’s spoken word albums.